Driving While Impaired

Being that I am now in the “outside-of-the-home” workforce, I’ve been enjoying my morning drives into work. The silence, without the company of my five-year-old sing-songing, and my teen’s angst driven responses, is like manna from heaven. I can actually complete a thought without feeling as if I’m about to have an aneurysm. I forgot how pleasant commute time can be, until yesterday. I made the mistake of turning on the radio and it seems that when my husband cleaned out the car (a gift better than roses in my book), he accidentally changed my usual station to one of the “talk radio” stations. I froze in the driver’s seat; not a good thing to do on an interstate.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger was on the air, and while I had heard of her, I had thankfully never listened to her. A lady had called in and was lamenting going back into the workforce and how it would affect her children. Dr. Laura’s response went to places that someone with doctor before their name should know better than to go. I tell you, I nearly wreaked the mini-van. The tongue lashing that dear ole Doc gave the lady was so out of the realm of reality that I thought for a moment Jersey Shore had come to radio. The gist of the tirade was, according to Dr. Laura, that moms want too much and because of that our children suffer. We would rather throw money at our children and buy them things than be responsible, and be parents. We find our work more fulfilling than raising our children, we’re selfish and we’re trading motherhood for the material world. Well dang. I tuned out, and I think the caller hung up. Here I was in my second week of work and I already had enough guilt to fill a Cathedral. I was worried about the long daycare hours for my son, not being there for my teen, and then Dr. Laura turned the screw one turn tighter.

I can’t answer for others and I won’t pit the stay-at-home-moms against the work-outside-the-home-moms. There are pitfalls to both and neither is easy. I do know I didn’t go back to work for pedicures and martini lunches, just like I didn’t stay home to eat bon-bons and watch daytime TV. There was a part of me that wondered if Dr. Laura could go shopping on my budget with coupons and keep running in the black. The vision of her pumping gas and keeping the mileage down to stay within budget had me laughing. She wouldn’t understand. Her world is too far removed from the reality of a million households. The things I want to buy my kids? Well, braces, glasses, jeans, medical appointments (even with a co-pay they add up), shoes, and, oh yeah, food. Yeppers, I’m really throwing a lot of material things at my kids.

I do agree with Dr. Laura in one respect; I DO want too much. I want my children healthy. I want them to grow up knowing that while I’d rather be with them, there were other things I had to do FOR them. I want them to know that I will always try to be responsible and take care of them, because I love them beyond all reason.  I want them to understand team work and that we all have to sometimes give up something in order to get what we need, and that having what you need is a blessing. If that’s wanting too much, I stand guilty as charged. I don’t think I’ll be taking anymore rides with Dr. Laura. I like my morning drives too much, and she’s just too dangerous for me and the other drivers around me.  

Mary’s Un-Merry Month of May

By Mary Alford-Carman

Oh heaven help me get through this month with all my hair still attached to my head and without that pesky twitch in my eye. It's the last full month of school and I can't wait for it to be over. The gear-up in August is bad enough with supply lists that are never given when the tax free weekend arrives, the hunt for school clothes and the open house/meet and greet the teachers evening. May, however, makes me want to run to the local church, light a bazillion candles and beg for mercy.

The End of Grade tests come first with the wonderful school note that states your child should get a good night's rest and eat a proper breakfast prior to testing days. I guess the rest of the school year it doesn't really matter how late they go to bed or if you feed your children at all. After the End of Grade tests come the End of Course tests. What is this, college? Then there is the spring concert, the eighth grade dance, the awards/graduation ceremony and field day. The letters for volunteers triple in May. Can you proctor for the tests, make brownies for the dance, and could you chaperone for the field day and dance? With a thirteen-year-old daughter, the hunt for a dance dress is turning into a quest for some ideal I'm not sure exists. Then there is the uniform for the band. Have you tried to find black pants in May?

When I look around at the other moms in the car pool lane, they all have the same glazed look on their faces. List after list, permission slip after permission slip and fee after fee, fly back and forth from school, to home, and back to school, like birds on cocaine. It's almost as if the schools have made May "Mommy Challenge Month". Can you do all you normally do and add this in too? It's scary out there and you know something is gonna plop down on you if you don't keep it together. If I lose my calendar, I'll be lost and heading for the padded cell.

It goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway) that I love my child and I'll do what is necessary to make sure she has what she needs. I just wish it didn't hurdle towards me like an out of control whirling dervish all within one month. There are only a few days left before the month is over. I think I'll head to the church now.
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Motherhood is Ageless

By Mary Alford-Carman

So, exactly how old is too old to have a baby? In "Selfishly Enjoying the Ride", in our April Issue of www.4gaby.com, I wrote about the indignities that occur when women over a certain age have children, while men can happily have them at any age and no one blinks. To have a relative stranger come up to you and ask why you had a baby at a certain age just blows my mind. Why are they so concerned? Are they going to take care of the baby, do they have to pay for their college fund, walk the floors with them at night, cuddle them when they're sick or help them with calculus in high school?

Khalil Gibran wrote, "Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself." I've always loved that quote; it reminds me that our children will be with us only a little while, that life is short, and that we all long for more. Having a baby at any age is such a personal decision and when others who are not involved in that decision flap their gums spewing negativity, it's hurtful and unkind. At 48 I was stunned and happily blessed to have a son. Why do some feel it necessary to criticize the birth a child into a loving home based solely on the age of the mother? Goodness sakes, hardly anyone raised an eyebrow when Senator/Actor Fred Thompson had two children in his sixties; they were more upset over the younger wife!

Call me sensitive, call me what you will, just don't call me too old to have, and love, a baby. Life is just too dang precious, and right now I have a four-year-old's soccer game to prepare for!

Older Moms Unite...We're Groovy

When the four of us who make up 4gaby.com came together as friends, we also realized that we were comrades in arms. We're moms, but we also remember disco (some of us more fondly than others of us, though I would love to fit into those satin pants one more time...just ain't gonna happen). So we're a little older (sometimes a lot older) than the moms of our children's friends. It's made motherhood an interesting journey and we hope our journey may help and interest others along the way. Mary's column this month addresses some of what she has faced (Selfishly Enjoying the Ride) and we found another comrade in arms in our fellow writer, Angel La Liberte. Angel is launching a wonderful new site, A Child After 40,  which promises to be so exciting for all of us who are looking for a community of friends and fellowship. We invite you to join us in making this a success and a wonderful addition to our community. Let's get our groove on!

Getting Through by Mary Alford-Carman

I got a call from an acquaintance who read “Inside An Empty Womb,” the essay I wrote for our 4gaby.com online magazine and I was touched beyond belief. We had worked together during the summer for the U.S. Census and had briefly connected, sharing our thoughts on motherhood, working and juggling schedules. She didn’t know that I had gone through the infertility process, and she was going through it for the second time around. Her first attempts were similar to mine, but she did have a child who is now a five-year-old son. They want to have another baby, and the process, while still daunting, has them excited for the future.

What caught her attention in my essay was the mention of mood swings and of the loss of a baby so dreamed about and wanted. She told me that reading the words left her feeling validated. She still mourned a loss that no one ever saw, but felt that given the opportunity she wouldn’t have changed a thing. In the day-to-day of parenting, the loss of a baby before term had made her more grateful for the child she hugs today. She, too, had those who made comments that were less than compassionate after her loss. I asked her how she handled it and she told me most of the time she just walked away. There were times when she really had to bite her tongue, because she just couldn’t deal with their lack of kindness along with her loss.

We all go through horrific hard times in life, and many times we find the support we need around us. When we don’t, it shocks and causes hurt. Have you ever been in a situation where the support you hoped for wasn’t there, or worse still, was insensitive? How did you handle it? Who helped you through it?  Sometimes, when the chips are really down, who can you rely on to “get it” and help you get through?