Happiness Comes With a Price

For the past few weeks, I have been helping my daughter with a project for school. The project, Victorian England, has proven to be an extremely thought provoking one. Obviously the divide between the rich and the poor was a main topic of discussion, as was the reforms that were introduced to stop child labor, but the one topic I did not expect to deal with was that of the treatment of women.
My daughter began to notice that for the most part middle class and upper class girls were expected to be proper ladies, quiet and unassuming, sitting in the background sipping tea, reading or doing needlepoint. At her tender age of twelve, she still has a very simplistic view on romance and quite rightly so. I could see the excitement in her eyes as she relayed to me how the women find a suitor, how it was not right to meet the man in question alone, and how marriage was an achievement of one's skills.
What she did not see, of course, was that these women were objects, owned by their families and subsequently their husbands. We watched a few period dramas full of romances but I made sure some also had situations such as a young woman trying to elope with the love of her life, saving herself from a lifelong, loveless marriage to a man twenty years her senior, of good social standing and chosen by her father. I was not trying to dispel her image of love or family ties, just trying to let her see that life and love is not always simple. We cannot please others all the time and I wanted her to realize that sometimes doing the wrong thing for the right reasons may be your only course of action even if it seems an impossible task to her.
I have witnessed firsthand how a controlling person can consume another's life, filling it with doubts and fear, questioning their every move, waiting, watching, and always trying to get the upper hand. I have seen how it destroys a person's confidence so much that eventually they do not know how to handle themselves and crumble at the first sight of rejection. I don't want my daughter, or my son for that matter, to grow up thinking that they must do as others want them to do, especially when it comes to love.
Life today is not as rigid and the thought of living in Victorian England seems so antiquated but, if you think about it, how many women and men have you known or have heard of, that have found themselves feeling trapped in a relationship, not knowing which way to turn? I bet my bottom dollar many. Is it still not so that once married we do everything to save a relationship, even if it is to the cost of one's happiness and, heaven forbid, one's health? How many times have you heard the words 'my marriage failed' or 'single parent family' banded around as if it is a prison sentence?
Leaving a relationship for the right reasons is never a failure and being a single parent family is not a sin. It is better for the family to be healthy and happy than live in a fog of despair. We think we have come so far in these last two hundred years, yet feeling trapped in a relationship, due to social stigma or pressure from family and friends, is still prevalent today. I for one am going to help my children, letting them know that they should never feel trapped in any relationship. Freedom is their right.

Better Safe Than Sorry

I find it sadly ironic that the queen (as I consider her) of love songs has died the weekend before Valentines Day. Growing up she was always blasting out of my walkman headphones (yes, I am that old) or my car stereo. Her beautiful, soulful voice would sing words of love that uncannily seemed to reflect my current feelings for my latest romantic endeavor. She was, it seemed, there for me at every twist and turn, and the world loved her. 

Her death, of course, is surrounded in mystery. The press, like hounds chasing a fox, is following the scent of prescription drug abuse and its unfortunate outcome. If you consider this situation, it is not unlike many others that have hit our newspapers over recent years. Too many stars have gone astray. Unfortunately, these sad losses are accredited to their drug addiction because of the stresses and strains of their artistic brilliance or their failure to create long lasting relationships in an ever-demanding world. However, when it boils down to the nitty gritty they all have one thing in common -- Prescription Drugs. 

It was not that long ago that heroin or cocaine were the drugs of the moment, creating huge headlines and selling the papers like hot cakes. The drug barons of South America must be feeling the push right now and for that, I am glad. However, as always, when one door closes another opens. Unfortunately, our healthcare providers are in fact unknowingly becoming our next generation drug barons. With the advancement of medicine has come the advancement of drug availability. The very drugs that are healing us are the very drugs that are providing the path to addiction. This problem is not just one that plagues the rich and famous, it can happen to anyone and it does. 

Two years ago, I broke my back after an unfortunate accident. At the same time my young daughter was going through a breakdown, my marriage was hanging by a thread, and my father was critically ill. So naturally, I was on my last nerve. To combat my feelings of despair my doctor convinced me that an antidepressant would help. After much deliberating, I decided to take the advice and started on a round of prescriptions. Of course, the effects of the drugs did make me calmer, and they helped with my mood, but that is all they did. They masked the stresses of my life, but they did not mend it. I became afraid to stop taking them, knowing that nothing on the other side had changed. As time went on, I started to suffer side effects of the drugs. Insomnia, loss of appetite, and inability to concentrate were becoming a real problem. It was looking like I would need to take further meds to combat the effects of my so called assistance. A spiral was beginning, just like that. 

Luckily, I figured out that this FIX was just that, a band-aid on my life and the wound underneath was still there. It would never heal unless I tackled and addressed the real issues. I was not a depressive; but medically I was treated as one. I could have become one of those statistics, one of those unfortunate people who take more and more pills to cover life, a person, probably like Whitney. I got out of the cycle before it began. I am one of the lucky ones. 

Since my experience, I have spoken with people, mostly women, and discovered that this situation is an all too common one. Women going through motherhood or menopause are given a pick me up to help them, students who are finding it hard to cope away from home are given a medical crutch to lean on, and long term illness sufferers are given a smorgasbord of pills to combat their illness and it's emotional effects. Every one of these people is in danger of becoming an addict, not because they chose to take drugs for recreational use, but because they have received medical treatment.  

I am not saying that doctors are to blame for the world's addiction levels. I know that there are those out there who abuse the system knowingly, but each seed is sown from a so-called medical need. I do believe as medicine advances, quick fixes are becoming the norm, but when medicine leads to the need for more medicine then surely this is not conducive to healing. 

Those stars, like Whitney, who have taken this route have paid the price. It is not the price of fame, but the price of being human, just like you and me. I know that after my lucky escape, I will be more careful about quick fixes in the future and advise anyone to think carefully before considering the option of a pick-me-up solution to your problems.  

Stay safe and healthy!

The System Ain't Just Broke, It Ain't Right

I believe in playing fair. I think most Mom's do. We try hard to teach our kids to play fair, even though we know life doesn't always treat you that way.


Imagine this scenario - you are a hardworking employee in a large company. You've won employee of the year in 2008 and 2009 - the first employee in your division to win it in back to back years, and one of only a few to win it twice. You've received bonuses in the last five out of six years, and you've attracted more customers to your base of operations than any other employee in your division. In fact, you've attracted more customers than all but FORTY out of 120 employees in your company, placing you in the top third of the company for customers. Your company has competitions within the same division and your numbers have looked better than your counterparts in the scorecards the company keeps more often than not. But you've got a very small direct sales region.


Now imagine that there's a fellow employee sitting next to you. He doesn't attract customers to his base of operations. In fact he has very few customers show up. He rarely gets a year end bonus and has NEVER won employee of the year. He's really good in one aspect of the job (let's say round widgets), but not very good in another (let's call it the oblong widgets). Though he does have a large sales region.


Suddenly, employee number two gets promoted OVER YOU to one of THE elite divisions for the purpose of handling the oblong widgets. Why? Well, he's really, really good with the round widgets so of course he deserves to suddenly have more money and the prestige associated with the oblong widget elite, even though the customer base and demands of the position are quite different than the round widget job, and he's not proven that he can properly handle the oblong widget. Also he has that large sales region that management is convinced he'll bring to the table even though he's not done a good job selling oblong widgets to them in the past.


As frustrating as that sounds, what if you've seen several employees get promoted over you? Employees who don't attract customers to their base of operations, but have the POTENTIAL to do so. These employees have a lot of family members, and we all know that every family shares the same interests - uh huh. I can't wait for my brothers to share that love of home decorating, and knitting that I possess.


I grew up a college football fan. I adore the sport. Momma says that from a very young age, I would quietly sit beside Daddy watching. In fact I can't really remember the first game I attended, but I can, without hesitation, tell you it was at East Carolina. Because I am a second generation alum, and I LOVE MY PIRATES.


That is why I am so disgusted with college football and the system. In my scenario, ECU is employee number one. We have won back to back conference championships (employee of the year), we've been to bowl games 5 of the last six years (bonuses), and our attendance at football games is number forty out of 120 schools playing at this level (customers we've attracted to our base of operations). We've also played the other schools and hold series winning records over almost every one who has jumped over us (the scorecard). But we don't have a large television market (sales region) - according to the powers that be. They conveniently ignore that the product on the field can allow you to sell to outside regions.


I've watched with dismay and increasing disgust as other schools have been called to the corrupt system of the BCS (Bowl Championship Series) conferences while my alma mater has been ignored. The BCS is supposed to be the elite football playing schools. It was originally set up to allow those elite schools, and possibly an outsider or two, a chance to play in the elite bowls and have a "national championship" in football. Ain't no way it's working that way. The entire process has become a joke. No school should jump in and be able to start touting its access to the system, when it hasn't proven its ability to compete, and win employee of the year in the group it's already in. And the constant refrain has been - they have a big TV market. Whoopdeedo - I have a ton of cousins. That doesn't mean I need to rent a hall for the family reunion so we can all knit together.


Now I don't begrudge the schools who jumped over me. But I do resent a system which keeps pulling schools in because they have a big, albeit dysfunctional family, and therefore could potentially bring lots of eyes to the television. A family who doesn't attend family events in person (i.e actually GOING TO THE FOOTBALL GAME), is not a family who is suddenly gonna attend the family reunion via teleconference or Skype their way to it. 


A system which rewards your football for the luck of being in a big city is a broken system and broken as all get out. As employee number one, I hold fast to this - 


"Damnation seize my soul if I give you quarters, or take any from you." Edward "Blackbeard" Teach (translation - I will not surrender.)


EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY - GO PIRATES
http://www.ecu.edu/undaunted/ (to learn more about ECU, our athletics and our facilities plus some eye opening facts about our television ratings and markets, please take a moment and look at this website which was set up in early 2011)

HIC Awards - Sell Me Something in a Good Way

Honestly, I had already planned this blog. See lately, I've noticed a disturbing trend in commercials. Some of them are highly irritating. Think of fingernails on a chalkboard and you get where I'm coming from. Then I realized that my timing is impeccable (highly unusual - but that's another story, and it involved childbirth). After all to many people the Super Bowl is all about the commercials with a little football sprinkled in. Now, I adore my DVR, but because we watch so much sports around this house, we spend a lot of time with live television and hitting the button on the remote while we realize we can't fast forward live TV. 

So I've come up with an award that I've titled the HIC award. HIC stands for Highly Irritating Commercial though I also think it sorta stands for 'somebody in your marketing department had a hiccup for thinking this commercial was a good idea' - shorter version - 'what were you drinking'!!

So with that introduction, here are my nominees:

JC Penney - Screaming - why yes, I love the idea of shopping being promoted to me by a bunch of screaming banshees. Especially since I spent years of my life raising kids, and at least I love those screamers. Soooo, you people miss the part about so many women use shopping to RELAX???? PS - the dropping coupons idea - interesting, JUST DON'T SCREAM AT ME. Inside voices, only, please.

Volkswagen - The barking dogs barking out Star Wars. I'm a big fan of dogs, I can't tell you the last time I had a household that didn't have at least one rescued dog in it. But, I'm not a big fan of barking dogs except when they bark at real danger or somebody trying to sell me something. That commercial gave me a headache worse than some American Idol auditions. The Super Bowl one with the Star Wars bar scene - MUCH BETTER!

Lexus - Y'all really need to step it up. Your commercials are sucky to be specific. The one from the Super Bowl advertising your 2013 GS, umm, it's February of 2012. Let's not wish our life away. How about letting us pay for Christmas of 2011 before you start pushing a 2013 car? You were already in my hall of disgust since I'm awfully tired of seeing beautiful, skinny people get nice shiny cars with humongous red bows for Christmas presents. Some of us just get underwear, slippers, and chocolates. And we're happy for that - sorta.

A quick mention of ones I've liked - M&M's - Brown Shell Candy - if you haven't seen it, find it on YouTube. Doritos had two - The Baby Slinging Grandma, and my personal favorite - The Dog Bribing the Man over Burying the Cat. Loved them. I remember the product, because I enjoyed the commercial - oh, alright, M&M's had me at hello, but still...good commercials. I wasn't trying to fast forward live TV, and isn't that what marketers WANT?

How Goes Your Rose Garden?

By Sheilah

I spent a fortune on my MFA. Then I got a job unrelated to it, though it helped get the job. The job put quite a halt to my writing. I find that reading and editing for 8 hours a night stops me up in the off hours. That’s the story I’ve been telling myself anyway.

I like to make excuses.

I like to not take responsibility.

I am basically lazy.

I don’t know much about perseverance.

I like to blame others and “forces beyond my control,” etc. and so on.

I have a long list of “etc.”

My etceteras have etceteras, and some of them have miscellany and i.e., ad nauseums and ad infinitums.

My to-dos have other tenses.

Glad I got the truth out of the way.

The truth is also this: I am very responsible. I enjoy working; I go to work everyday, never lay out, give my best. I do the housework, too. I get things done. And I do that for so long, you know, just living right, that I get tired. Then I want to know, where’s mine? Didn’t you promise me a rose garden? I don’t know who I’m asking, probably God. I fail to see my garden variety human being-ness, that I already have mine and then some. I have the rewards of work, of a job well done, mothering, partnership, living life.

But at times, sometimes for extended periods of time, things shift inside and I get ungrateful, tired, wanting more. Discouraged. Disappointed. This-is-itness? strikes. At times like these I have to stop short and see what’s up—I don’t have a babysitter so we never go out. The schedule is a fresh hell every week between my works shifts and Dave’s travels. I haven’t taken a night out with friends in months. I’m not exercising, not praying enough, not getting artistic stimulation. I realize I’m not enjoying anything, just getting things done. 

Or I spend hours cleaning out a closet that's been stuffed full for 6 years instead of writing, which brings on about 6 more projects, which then .... Hmmm. 

A whine is a terrible thing to waste. Time for a getaway beginning with a two-hour forage for nothing today. I just let myself go out for no reason at all, turned over rocks, got a $5 coffee, bummed. It was quite enjoyable. Now I have to keep doing such at regular intervals. Duh. It might fill the well to keep the real writing flowing, the stuff that fills my cup to overflowing. Cheers to an artistic well kept full. My rose garden may flourish  again.