This morning I put on a pair of capris that I wore last summer and I'm pretty sure I cut the blood off to my lower extremities. Honestly, it felt like I was wearing a tourniquet around my waist, or what's left of it. It's enough to make me cry and run to the nearest Krispy Kreme shop to buy a dozen glazed donuts and drown my sorrows, but that's what got me here in the first place. How on earth does one fight the battle of the bulge in a fast-food world?
Last week I wrote "Taking Back the Next Fifty," a piece about trying to be a healthier me. Let's just say that it's been difficult at best to slip into a new role that requires healthier choices. The summer schedule has a life of its own and both of my children have very different schedules and bedtimes. It's so easy to hit a drive-thru when the hours have flown by and the schedule is crazy. But what does that teach my children? We already know what it can do to my waist line (remember the tourniquet and add heavy breathing). The madness has got to stop, but I swear, I think my car has an automatic pilot to Wendy's and McDonalds, and I fight the steering wheel every day.
I have to learn to carve out a block of time, every day, for me and me alone. I have to learn to be a little bit selfish and put myself first in a positive way. After all, nobody ever seems to clean up after me or do my laundry in our household, so I figure I'm due. I can take the time to exercise and be a better me. I don't want to live in a house where my closet has so many different sizes in it that it can double as a clothing store, and trust me, I've been there. I'd be lying if I didn't add that I'd like to reach my goal so I can face those who have made hurtful comments in the past, even to the point of accusing me of trying to lose weight the "easy way" when I had lap-band surgery almost two years ago. I'd like to ask; just what is easy about having surgery? The lap-band helps me keep from over eating, and while I've lost weight since the surgery, I still have to exercise good eating habits. It took me a long time to get where I am, and it will take me a good bit to get to where I want to be. I don't need to be a size zero, I need to be a size that is right for me.
Sometimes it seems even the commercials on TV conspire against me. Yesterday evening, right after a Victoria Secret commercial, a McDonald's ad came on where an entire skinny family sat with Big Macs and large orders of fries. Uh-huh, and I wonder why I sometimes have mixed signals when it comes to self-image and food. So here I go, off into the sunset without the to-go order, my eyes on the capris of my previous size. I'll report in again. Wish me luck.