Tuesday, June 7, 2011

No Bon-Bons For YOU!

Well I got me one of those comments again. Why do some parents think it’s ok to comment on your child in a negative light? Does it make them feel better about themselves as a parent to put down your child and therefore you? Then I think, well maybe I’m just taking it the wrong way. Maybe it was meant to help. Problem is that the other parents have no way of knowing that I’ve heard comments and been “helped” since the child was born.

True story – after an unplanned C-section (I have one of those childbirth stories that some women love to tell pregnant women and send them running in horror. I try to refrain.), I lay alone in the recovery room with my brand new baby (hubby had gone to eat – it had been a loooong time – still not sharing details though) when I heard the mother and grandmother in the next curtain comment, “She’s gonna have a hard time with that young’un.” They then continued to discuss what a good baby they had. Suddenly I had been thrust into the good kid/bad kid lottery and I obviously had lost.

When I wrote the essay, “ADHD and Me: It’s All About the Bon-Bons”, I barely touched on the comments I’ve received. I mentioned one school administrator, but there is more…much more. I’ve had teachers complain to me about behaviors which are such classic ADHD signs, I wonder if they bothered to read the emails where I discussed his umm, ADHD or listened when I spoke directly to them. Perhaps they were having ahem, focus issues. I know teachers and administrators are overburdened, but I’m trying to be one of those communicative parents they say they want without flying my Harrier to hover over (the helicopter does not have enough power, sorry). It would help if they listened to my communications, without feeling the need to fire a surface to air missile at my parenting. I had a teacher tell me how irritating she found his inability to be completely prepared and not be the last one walking out of the class every single time they went somewhere. She then proceeded to ask me if that drove me crazy and comment about how she wouldn’t be able to handle it at home, and thank goodness her little preciouses weren’t like my son. A little painful you think… how about the fact that she did this, IN FRONT OF SEVERAL OTHER MOTHERS, when I was at the school volunteering. Now we all know that only a truly lousy Mom gives up her day of eating bon-bons for sitting at some school taking care of a bunch of kids (and there was only one that I went through that horrific childbirth with.) Yeah, that felt great! Still love that one.  For every great, understanding helpful teacher…there’s been, well, the you name ‘em type.

But the comments that always wound the deepest are the ones from the other parents. I’m just as involved as you are. I try to help my child and guide my child just as you do. But it doesn’t work the same way with a kid with ADHD. How about a little compassion, empathy, kindness or if that fails… just shut the he!! up. You think my kid is excessively shy because I’ve made him that way. Did it ever occur to you that the kid can hear? That maybe through all these years he’s heard your little comments so he just doesn’t try? To his credit he assures me that he really doesn’t care what you think. To my discredit, I do. So if you don’t know what you are talking about, please just go buy some bon-bons and eat them. But you won’t be getting any from me. And please, am I the only one who has the different kid and has to constantly hear about it? What are your experiences? Where can I get a volume discount on my bon-bons?


  1. I don't even know what to say :( The times I have gotten unsolicited and unappreciated comments about my boys I have been both hurt and angry. Problem with me is when I am realllly angry I cry, yeah that looks great. That teacher was way off the charts. I had a preschool, PRESCHOOL teacher slam her classroom door in the face of my then 4 year old with me standing there. You can imagine the conversation that took place when I opened the door. When I left I took him with me.I was going to say I wish there was some type of armor you could wear to deflect the arrows but that's not true ... I wish there were no arrows :(

  2. In first grade I had the teacher tell me that there was no way that my child could be in the gifted program, and that I was wasting my time having her tested. She said, "Your child never finishes her work and she talks all the time." She said this to me in front of the entire class, AND my daughter. Lets just say that this one time, I let her hold it. As for my daughter, she was accepted into the gifted program from second thru fifth grade. So to that teacher; na na na na boo boo.
    ADHD children are often quite intelligent and original. They think outside the box and while it's frustrating to repeat everything five million times, I wouldn't trade my experiences for anything in the world...not even a "normal" child. It hurts when people perceive your child as unintelligent just because they can't process, or focus on information the way others do. Those who comment in the negative are just showing their own ignorance ignorance. All I can say is bless their hearts, they know not what they do.

  3. Beverly - I wish crying was my first response. I get so mad that sometimes... though I have improved. You are right - I wish there were no arrows. Mary - that teacher is another example of the people who think only "normal" succeeds. But we know better, don't we? My son has made me a better person. You're right...bless their hearts...

  4. I hate nothing more than people talking about kids when they are in the room once they are old enough to understand (which is like 2!). Shut up. They have ears. And the tongue biting I must endure...Hang in there!

  5. Thanks, I'm So Fancy! You're right... they act as if they don't have ears. I try to think the best of them and that they are just being thoughtless or trying to be "helpful", but...


Thank you so much for commenting - it makes our day! Your comment will appear just as soon as I get the wash out, and determine that you're a real person!