The Book of the Turned Down Pages

Normally a book review would go on the Book Review page - the one that's been even more neglected then the blog itself. But this time, this one time, the book review has as much to do with life as it does with the book. 

I'm not sure how to attend the book club gathering on Friday night. I just joined it, and the second book assigned has turned me into a quivering, sobbing mess. How do you approach a group of women you barely know to discuss something you lived through, that maybe they didn't? Especially when you are still hesitant at any social gathering involving women - because you lived through what the book is about. That's a recommendation for a book, ain't it?

The book is "Wonder" by R.J. Palacio. It tells the story of a fifth grader who has been home schooled, and is attending middle school with other kids for the first time in his life. Sounds like a simple premise until you realize that the book is an elegant rendition of what it is like to be bullied. It starts with the viewpoint of August Pullman, a child with severe facial anomalies. Through the book, it switches to other kids so we get multiple viewpoints of kids.

By page 79, I started turning down pages where I had a story to share. There are a lot of pages turned down. While I didn't have the extremity of issues which August (Auggie) had to deal with, I was bullied pretty much from the time my grown up teeth started coming in. See my grown up teeth acted like children. They went everywhere they could get away with. I had teeth come in where teeth already were, and teeth show up where they weren't supposed to be. My upper jaw grew too much, and my lower jaw not enough. Nothing screams 'make fun of me' better than a ten year old wearing orthodontic head gear to school. Yep, fun times. Even after braces (five years of braces - at a time where very few kids had braces), I had a mile of gum exposed every time I smiled. Any wonder there are very few pictures of me? I ducked, and hid, and often still do. Old habits really can be hard to break. After I was married, my husband was so very supportive of me as I had maxillofacial surgery - in other words, both jaws broken to fix them. Yep - it was that bad.

And this book is the most true depiction of what it is like to be different - the glances, the cruelty, the hurt, the courage it can take to show up somewhere, anywhere. The book amazed me as it so perfectly captured the reactions, and the reality. From the people who are kind to you, just because they think it gives them points, to the ones who are nice to you, and enjoy spending time with you - unless their "cool" group is around...and most importantly it shows the effect true kindness can have.

So I'm recommending this book. Maybe you'll turn down a page and share a story with your kids. Maybe, just maybe it will help.

Evelyn's Precepts - Kindness is a quiet illustration of strength of character.

"You are perfect to me." - Pink

Parenting and The Hallelujah Chorus

By the time I was seven, I was an Aunt. By the time I was 21, I was the Aunt of ten. When I married at 26, there were two more miracles of fun-loving, spirit-lifting blessings added into the mix of nieces and nephews. I didn’t have little brothers and sisters, but I had the best of my sisters and my brother around me at one point or another through my life. They taught me patience, they taught me wonder, but most of all they taught me that I was a fool if I believed that you can control every single minute of a child’s behavior. Of course, nothing compares with having children of your own.

I've been called to the Principal’s Office as an adult on a couple of occasions, and while I felt every bit as guilty as a fifth grader caught shooting a spit ball, there were instances that I laughed…hard. My children are not perfect, but they are perfectly mine, and while I cringe at the rolling eyes and innuendo that I’m dumber than dirt, or the spontaneous combustion of behavior that is my five-year-old son, I am so graced to be their Mama. That’s why I crack up at some of the childless who are on their way into parenthood.

I can’t begin to count the times I've heard “I would never let my child do that,” or “How can you laugh at what your child just did?” Hate to tell ya, but children will do a ton of things that will make us question our sanity and strain our patience. I had a call two weeks ago from THE Principal while I was elbow deep in paper work at my job. My cherub faced boy had eluded the teachers at bathroom break, turned off the lights, and hid in one of the stalls. He was, of course, sent to the office where the principal told me, “Mrs. Carman, I think he had way too much fun just talking with me. As soon as he said he was sorry, he wanted to talk about my day.” That’s my boy.

When I questioned him about what he did, he had an open-eyed look on his face as he told me in a confidential whisper, “Mama, they called my name a couple of times, and you know what? I didn't answer them!” I had to leave the room and straighten my face. When I had “Stern Mommy” firmly in place, I explained that he should always be with his class, that what he did wasn't safe, and that even though he thought it would be fun, it disrupted class time for his classmates. He understood, and told me he was sorry, but in the same breath he told me he just wanted to see what would happen.

When my daughter was three, she witnessed a baptism at church. She was fascinated, and asked more questions than an interrogator at Gitmo. The next day she had a bucket of sand that she carried from one landscape area to another, sprinkling each one with sand and saying in a tone way too serious for her years, “I baptize you in the name of The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit.” Then the bucket of sand fell over and I heard her exclaim, “Oh shit!” I was on her quicker than she could blink, telling her how wrong it was to say that word, and then asking her where she heard it. When she named another adult in the neighborhood I felt righteous indignation, until she added, “and you, Mama.”

Our children teach us about how beautifully messy life is, and how we can only control what we do as individuals, more than any self-help book out on the market. They remind us of all that is hopeful and innocent, even in the midst of their acting out. Parenting is full of extremes within extremes. Parenthood is laughter, tears, hopes, fears and all of the yearning to keep our children safe and innocent for as long as possible. Whatever my children do, whether I would “let” them do it or not, they have taught me, as I hope to teach them. One moment the bottom falls out, and the next you hear the Hallelujah Chorus, and I wouldn't know what to do if life were any other way.