It's the Everyday Stuff, Ain't It?

One month from today, I'll have a high school graduate. Actually, three of the four gaby ladies will have high school graduates this year. Just a touch overwhelming to think about, when your child still seems so young to your own eyes. Some high school graduates will go straight to full time work, others straight to the military, others go on to college. Any way you approach it, adulthood is beckoning. I told some friends at lunch that I had been struck by the most horrid realization that as much as I had tried to raise my child, there were huge swaths of knowledge (like the proper usage of the word swath), that I never properly conveyed. So I started a list, because every teenager LOVES seeing their mom approach them with a list...

So every day, the poor kid has a very brief lecture, discussion, about items on the list. So here in writing, and I do not promise no further additions, is some of the list:

The car - how to jump-start a battery, already demonstrated when he sat in his car running the a/c, and the radio without the engine. Also discussed a flat tire, engine warning lights, roadside assistance, and car insurance. Most importantly, we discussed accidents - who to talk to, who to call, and DO NOT STOP ON A DESERTED ROAD IF SOMEONE REAR ENDS YOU. Sadly, I explained about staged accidents, and that he should call 911, explain the situation, why he was not stopping at the scene of the accident, and where he should travel to. Young adults traveling alone are a target, and you aren't always in an area you are familiar with. In case you think I missed a hot topic - he's been lectured on the use of his phone while driving since before he could drive. Fortunately, he uses his phone to pipe music playlists through his car speakers, which has the advantage of making him ignore calls/texts as that would mess up his tunes.

Identity Theft - most teenagers are not comfortable yet with their own identity. Unfortunately, there are people out there more then happy to take on your identity for you. One simple rule - when in doubt, shred. People will go through the trash looking for that piece of paper with your social security number or maybe a voided check with your account number/routing number. Shred it. Never give out information on the phone except to your own mother, if you want me to cover that outrageous bill for data. Don't trust the email that looks all official-like wanting you to confirm a password. The bank ALREADY knows what they need to know - they ain't asking you. Same thing for the government, and your college. Never give out account numbers or passwords. And treat any threats they issue - like how you'll lose access, blah, blah, blah - exactly the way you treated my threats over cleaning your room. Then I know they'll get nowhere.

People - Sorta like the identity theft one, trust is a big issue. You're going to meet a lot of new people. Some will be fantastic, and become life long friends that you will laugh with over that thing that happened that night at that place (better not be a bar - geez, now I just sound stupid) for the rest of your lives. Others will be ones that you will use as examples to your own children. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish the two, and sometimes you're wrong. Often the manipulators are soooo nice, and friendly, and they make the request to use your car, your computer, your money, seem sooo reasonable. Like you're the one being unreasonable, and mean to say no. Others will jump in like a Greek chorus pushing on you to say yes. JUST SAY NO. You were not put on this earth to provide rides, money, food to others (except your brother - if he goes to the same college, you two WILL do all of that). These people will exist in your universe for the rest of your life, so college is a great training ground for recognizing them, and moving past them. This doesn't mean that you can't help someone in need. BUT THERE IS A DIFFERENCE. Some of the wealthiest girls at ECU were the biggest users. I ended up throwing away shoes, clothes, hot curlers that were ruined by others, even provided rides to parties I WASN'T invited to, before I started realizing what was going on. I can be slow on the uptake. Sharing with others, and being taken advantage of are not the same.

Priorities - College is expensive. You are not there for the party. You are not there to demonstrate your video gaming prowess. You are there to prepare you for a career which will enable you to come home to visit, not to live. Set your priorities. Have fun, AFTER YOUR SCHOOLWORK, especially if you want us to contribute to the cost.

I've shown our son how to write a check, how to look at his balances online, made sure he has his email set up on his phone, how to address an envelope, how to write a thank you note, how to wash a load of clothes (though I suspect those will come my way since he's only a short drive away), but I know I've missed a lot so any suggestions are welcome. I'm going to miss my baby, but I do welcome seeing a young man.

LMBO - An Accident - While Texting - Who Would've Thunk It?

Back in March, I spent close to the entire month sick - flu, bronchitis, ear infections - it was tons of fun. Our sons don't have their licenses yet. It's just not on their radar as something they care about so why keep the insurance company fat and happy? 

Our sons were often grabbing rides home with friends in the afternoon. One day, I received the text all parents dread: "We're gonna be late. XXXX had an accident." I'll give more on the details in a bit, but yes, texting was involved in the accident.

It was minor, but even scarier to me was the realization that I had never, ever discussed with our teens (who can drive, just don't care about it), what to do in the case of an accident. Never. Ever. Occurred. To. Me. Duh... I also haven't shown them how to check the oil or change a tire. Those lessons are coming. (might hand those off to hubby... though I do know how thanks to Daddy, and brothers.)

So I sat down, and walked them both through my rules of what to do, and in case it's helpful to anyone out there who might also have a duh moment (I can't be the only thoughtless parent...I hope...in a warped way.)

1 - Never leave the scene of an accident. At your age, I don't care how minor it is, stay there. Enjoy the scenery, watch the gawkers, but stay put. The exception to this is if you are on a dark, deserted road. Especially important for young female drivers, but applicable to any age or gender. Some will hit your car on purpose. Listen to your instincts. Don't stay put, go to a local police station or well lit, populated area, and call 911. Explain the situation, you will NOT get in trouble for this.

2 - Call your parents or guardians. We WANT to know. We will instantly move into Supreme Protector Parental Mode, and be there. If for some reason, we can't be there, call your approved list. Just like in elementary school, when you knew it was ok for Aunt JuneBug to pick you up, but never climb in the car with Auntie CrazyLoon, same thing. You, and your parents should discuss what responsible adults should be called. (Side note to parents/guardians - Might be a good idea to let those responsible adults know they are on the hook. Also make sure your kid has these wonderful people in their phone.)

3 - Who is your insurance agent, and carrier? Contact number for them? The police, and other driver will ask for that. Make sure they have the proof of insurance, and know where it is in the car. And find out the other driver's information, too. This isn't a one-way street. Don't let them convince you it is. Maybe it is, but let others help with that decision.

4 - Our longest discussion involved this next piece of advice. There will be those who are offended - sorry - my blog - my warped view. DO NOT carry on a conversation with the other driver. It's ok to make sure everyone is alright. It is not OK to admit guilt or alleviate the other driver's guilt. (No saying things like, 'I'm sorry, I should have noticed you' - sliding into my lane where I already was...). Unfortunately these days, finger pointing is the norm, as is the ubiquitous lawsuit. Wait for your parents, and let them handle it. You may speak to the police, and certainly answer their questions. But in this day of recording devices on phones, never assume the other driver is a good, and generous soul. Sorry, but don't.

Now about the accident. Did you assume the teen driver was texting? I would have. But noooo, the middle aged woman who hit him was texting, and rear ended him at a stoplight. So this next piece of advice is for all drivers, PUT DOWN THE FREAKING PHONE. C'mon people. You are not the excellent driver while texting/surfing/dialing/talking that you think you are. It's the same principle as none of us look as young as we think we do. Same thing. Accept it.

It's a Gift - {Eyes Roll}

It's a gift. Maybe it's one our teenagers feel they could do without, but it's one I freely give - unlike time on video games which is only grudgingly granted.

I can take anything, anything, and turn it into an opportunity to lecture, err learn. We're driving down the road, and I point out another driver's flaws (trust me, I point out my own, theirs, and hubby's too - I may want to work on that side seat driving). A song comes on, and I can come up with a way to discuss the lyrics and what they really mean (except "Brown Sugar" by the Rolling Stones - I am NOT explaining to them that I didn't get that until I was in my 30's. I'm already in the stupid zone - they are teenagers.). And of course, you can't turn on the news or pick up a magazine or newspaper without the opportunities provided by Bieber, Cyrus, Kardashian, the Russians, politicians of any stripe...it's a constant.

Methinks I may be overdoing it, but one is a sophomore, and the other one is a junior, and I feel like I'm racing an hourglass set at fast.

So here's an early commencement lecture, and maybe I'll try to relax today, and just enjoy them - which is my advice to me.

Don't stay stuck - I'm talking driving. People stack up in the left lane or in the right lane. Use a signal, move to the left to pass, and move back to the right. There are exceptions - understand them. Come to think of it - it does work on politics, too. Look at each issue individually, decide, and make the appropriate moves. Don't stay stuck, not when driving, or when thinking.

Never follow the maddening crowd. It's not necessary to have the same opinions to have a friendship, and if it is, then that's not a friendship.

Become addicted - to learning, to reading, to listening, to music. If you nurture an addiction to these, then you won't need an addiction to drink, drugs, food, smokes to handle the stress of life. Nothing handles stress better then to sit, and listen to nature, sit, and love a pet, and listen to their appreciation of you, and your time, sit, and listen to God, sit, and listen to the words written in a well-written book, sit and listen to an incredibly well-crafted piece of music. There is a peace, you can find it.

When in doubt, show kindness. Sometimes kindness is an act, and sometimes it's not acting in anger. You'll figure it out.

Never decide someone is beneath you. When you do, you've just placed yourself beneath them. The People of Wal-Mart website isn't funny. It's sad. The homeless are sad. We never know the circumstances of someone else's life. The wealthy person who has it all could have had the most horrific childhood. 

Never assume someone is better then you. You are you. Be the best you possible. Never let someone else's opinion of you determine your own opinion of you. 

Always remember - you are loved. Oh, and please use your turn-signal.

Awful Failure aka Abercrombie & Fitch

By now most of you are aware of the hailstorm caused by the reemergence of a 2006 interview with Abercrombie & Fitch's CEO. There have been a number of articles written, and quite a backlash in comments and tweets and blogs. Here is the quote as reported in the LA Times article, "Abercrombie CEO tries to stem backlash":

"Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends," he said in the article. "A lot of people don't belong [in our clothes], and they can't belong."

It seems that if you are a teen girl who wears a large or extra large in women's clothing - you are not worthy - they don't even carry those sizes. Well, dude, I don't belong in haute couture, and some celebrities don't belong in the outfits that they wear to the awards shows, but really, why did you think it was a good idea to point this out to a segment of the society who are at the time of life where they are particularly vulnerable to others opinions????

Now I do need to add a disclaimer - you had never received any of our money before this. My teenagers are boys, and blissfully uninterested in labels unless wiring and an on/off switch are involved (really, really wish I had bought Apple stock). They are great kids, but not your demographic anyway. They think it's stupid to be so overwhelmed with appearances, and clothing. And I'm proud of that, (except when I make them dress up - Jimi Hendrix t-shirts are not appropriate everywhere). Maybe because it's a lesson I've tried to impart. No one is better than someone else. Someone who can't afford nicer clothes is not a lesser person. We all have our talents, and our faults.

Your lesson seems to be - buy our brand and be seen as a cool kid. If you're a fat girl - you aren't worthy. *&(&^%$^&*@##$%$@@! (please interpret the preceding with your favorite curses). HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF EATING DISORDERS? 

"THEY CAN'T BELONG".....&^%$#!%^@^&^&&&&@!@##$@@@!##$$$%%%%

Once again, I struggle to keep this a PG blog. Now I refuse to take part in the vicious comments I've seen regarding the CEO's own looks. Two wrongs don't make a right. And as an accountant, I understand the business sense in having a niche and sticking with it. But as a human being, I will never comprehend the need to dismiss others based on the outside appearance.

It seems your stock has not taken the pounding it deserves, and most analysts believe the teenagers will ignore or dismiss this and continue to shop at your stores. Maybe. And maybe the next generation won't - because maybe the next generation will be parented by those kids who weren't worthy. And maybe they'll remember how it felt to be excluded. My husband hates when I discuss how I was bullied. Because he loves me, and hates to hear about the pain. But I think the pain has made me a more compassionate and empathetic person. I remember being excluded. And I hope these kids remember it, too. It's a lesson worth remembering.

Let me leave this topic with the lesson I heard growing up - "Pretty is as pretty does." Note the word does, not appears...

Fifteen, and Miles to Go Before We Rest

Yesterday was my last day as the mother of a fourteen year old. Today my baby turns fifteen - technically at 6:18 this evening, but try and tell him that -  and as any mother will tell you - it's amazing how the years fly by. It seems just yesterday that he was born. For that matter I often feel like a teenager myself.

He was always an easy baby - the one that you could lay down wide awake, and he would go to sleep. I know it sounds like a fairy tale or a reinvention, but it really was that way. Even now, he's not a terribly difficult teenager. He can cop an attitude, but it usually doesn't last too long. Though I do embarrass him at frequent intervals - particularly my disco dancing (he needs to be grateful that I can't still fit into the satin pants). 

He has some impressive accomplishments, and while I'm tempted to brag on them, the reality is that some kids just get it, and some kids are harder to raise. I get that completely, and I don't think we're anywhere near done with lessons, because accomplishments aren't what will provide love - character is. So a few quotes for my two teenagers, and if you have any words of wisdom - feel free to share:

"I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university." Albert Einstein

"Where there is love, there is life." Mahatma Gandhi

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." George Bernard Shaw

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." Mark Twain

"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance." Confucious


And your favorite quote = "Who is John Galt?" Ayn Rand

Happy Birthday!!

With a Little Help from an Old Lady

Last night, the two teenagers and I were indulging in our only reality show - "American Idol". We tend towards either detective shows, horror or history, but we do like to watch this one reality show (with apologies to fans of other reality shows - they just don't appeal to us). Both boys are band students, and big fans of music. Years ago we ditched the DVD player in the car in favor of music. We even have a system worked out. Slots 1, 3, and 5 in the car's CD player are for their music choices while hubby and I get slots 2, 4, and 6. It works well this way - we alternate selections so neither the old nor the young get exhausted by the choice of the other group (at least as long as I don't have Pink or Adele - neither seem to appeal to my sons). Along the way we discover music we can all agree with. I'm a fan of Linkin Park, and Radiohead now, while they enjoy the Beatles, Pink Floyd, the Rolling Stones - all the classics. 

So you can imagine the shared horror and shock when one of the American Idol contestants admitted that he had NEVER heard "Let It Be" by the Beatles!!! How is that even possible in someone with a gift for music? Then another contestant comes along and isn't sure she's ever heard my favorite Beatles song, "She's Leaving Home". Wow - I knew the state of education in American was in crisis, but I had no idea it was THIS BAD!

So with apologies to Mary - who is the true musician, and an incredible musical talent - I have to list a few albums from my youth that I just think are a must listen. Please add to the list - I need to make sure I'm adequately educating my teenagers!

1 - Beatles - "White Album"

2 - Beatles - "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band"

3 - Beatles - "Rubber Soul"

4 - Carole King - "Tapestry"

5 - Michael Jackson - "Thriller"

6 - Rolling Stones - "Rewind (1971-1984)" 

7 - The Who - "Quadrophenia"

8 - Pink Floyd - "The Dark Side of The Moon"

Yeah - The Beatles get three slots and the Rolling Stones get a greatest hits compilation. What can I say - we had good music - really good music.

 

Bully Pulpit

Hubby and I will spend next Sunday morning taking our turn at teaching youth Sunday School. It's always an interesting experience. Sitting with a room full of teenagers is like staring into an abyss. You don't know what's out there, but you're pretty sure there is something. Some of the teens will speak up, others, like the two that we've been raised by, will sit silently and stare.

Yet, we're excited. It's always interesting to see where the discussion will lead, and this one will be particularly poignant to me. It's national anti-bullying month so the youth group leaders, and I have come up with a program which we hope will spark some discussions or at least linger in their minds. I'm collecting quotes from celebrities who felt bullied - we'll let them see if they can match them up. I'm also collecting quotes from fellow church members and leaders. I think it's helpful to see that people you respect and know personally have been through similar tough experiences. I remember as a teenager I thought all adults had it so together. Us adults know that ain't so. 

Trying to discuss bullying is hard for me. I've been bullied, and I know how it feels. Frankly my teen years give way too much fodder for discussion in regards to bullies. I think if you have empathy then when something occurs that hits close to home with one of your own experiences, the memories can almost overwhelm you. Recently there was a story about a girl in Michigan (Whitney Kropp) who was "jokingly" placed on the homecoming court. The (not so) cool kids thought it would be "funny". @$%^^&!!! I instantly was transported to the teen girl who was invited to a party at one of the cool kids houses. Ohhh, I was so delighted. I remember vividly the new outfit - cream colored velour lace up the front bell bottoms (don't hate me - it was the '70's and I was skinny), with a blue top and a silver ankh necklace. I was prepared to become cool. But becoming cool isn't possible if you've been invited to an event just to be the court jester. I also vividly remember how it felt when someone purposely tripped me, and the entire crowd laughed hysterically at me sprawled on the floor. Still I was a little dense, and stayed on. At least I stayed until I overheard some of the girls. The words used to describe me will not be used here. But I knew then that it was time to leave. So I called my parents. When Daddy came to pick me up, I started crying and the poor man didn't know what to do. He gave comfort as best he could. But it's hard to be a teenager discovering who you are when others are so quick to tell you who you aren't, and can't possibly ever become.

Now this may sound like one small instance. One bad memory that I should "just get over". But I have years of examples of name calling, and ridicule, humiliation and hurt. And I have to say that I feel sorry for the bullies, too. I wonder now just what was so hard in their lives that they needed to feel this power and superiority at my expense. Of course, having sympathy for them is made easier by having a wonderful marriage, and two kids I adore, and close friends who love me - regardless of my outfits. Somehow I was blessed with the ability to get up and walk away from the bullies. It doesn't mean it didn't affect who I am. Do NOT put me in a room full of women and expect the real me. I revert. I don't mean to, and I try not to, but I am overwhelmed at the prospect. I wrote "A Kind Place to Sit" over a year ago. I still look for someone kind in the room. And even at my age, sometimes they aren't there. Some of the young bullies just grow up to be more finessed bullies. That's where mercy, empathy, faith, compassion, and forgiveness can all play a part. Maybe they won't change. But how we react, and what we accept as reasonable behavior can change. We can each show others a level of respect and mercy whether it is shown to us or not. And we can teach our children to do that through our examples. I've had a few of my former bullies become my friends on Facebook. Most of them (not all) seem to have grown up and changed their ways. As our pastor pointed out yesterday in his sermon (Happiness Happens to Those Who Are Brokers of Second Chances) - second chances are important. I think they may be more important to us than to them. Second chances allow us to grow and change. I pray that the bullies change, and may the bullied have the strength to walk away and forgive them.

B S M F - It Ain't What You're Thinkin'

So who watched the opening and closing ceremonies of the London Olympics? Impressive, huh? Can you imagine organizing that? I'm sure the organizers were overwhelmingly busy. But who I feel sorry for are all the people who volunteered to help. 
I am a semi-professional volunteer. Now that our sons are old enough to tell 'em to go take a shower and fix their own sandwich, I fill in my time with some volunteer work. Some of my volunteer work still revolves around them and their activities, and some is my own stuff. But I'm a helpin'...yeppers. I chaperone, I organize, I attend...all that stuff except dance and sing. I can't sing (though by my reckoning, neither could Russell Brand - see the Olympics Closing Ceremony), and my dancing would further humiliate the teen sons (which I try to keep at home...or on Facebook).
When I was young, and very poor putting myself through college, I had a saying - free, cheap or somebody else's. It helped remind me that I couldn't afford stuff those sorority girls were doing. And now I have a new rule - BSMF. Now, now, it isn't what you're thinking. Read on (or skip ahead).
See what I've discovered as my volunteering universe has hit the big bang theory is that when you volunteer, it's like an explosion of the cosmos. Everyone thinks you have time to help them and their organization, toooooooo. Moreover they also seem to think that their organization is the only one you're helping, or it's the only one that is worthy or it's the only one that has an emergency. 'Taint so, people.
Those of us who volunteer tend to be doing it for more than one organization. Many of us also hold jobs with an actual paycheck, and have that pesky other organization called a family. We can't jump through your hoop, don't matter how you hold it.
So I have a new rule, and I love it. Though I expect some people are gonna hate me and tell me how wrong I am. But here it is, the BSMF rule for volunteering:
B - Blood, S - Stroke, M - Marriage, F - Friends
Are you related to me by blood? Are you stroking me an actual paycheck vital to our survival? Are you related to me by marriage (not less important than blood, just the initials are awfully easy to remember in this order)? Are you a friend of such magnitude that you really could fall in the related to me category, except you're not?
If you do not fit the BSMF qualification than when you call and expect me to drop everything to show up at a meeting two days from now so you can give me unpaid work, I consider my list - BSMF. I find my volunteering feels so much less like an obligation now that I have freed myself to say no if I need to. It's the freedom of the acronym, baby! Gotta go now. I've got a volunteer project to finish. One I'm enjoying, thanks to the acronym - BSMF freedom.

Teenagers, Aliens and Zombies

I unintentionally read the most amusing article this morning. One of those flyby things that suddenly you realize you've read the whole dang thing while you didn't agree with hardly any of it. Some psycho, I mean degreed psychology professional, was suggesting that if you are in menopause, and you have teenagers, you should take the opportunity to bond with your teenagers over the changes in life you are both experiencing.
Well, freakin' knock me over - why the devil didn't I think of that? I just know my sons would love to discuss their "sexuality" and my "sexuality" and my "change of life". Uh huh - might be one way to get them to vacuum once they realize they wouldn't be able to hear me.
At least in my household, I do talk to them - when they let me. We discuss movies, and music, Anime, and books, sometimes even world events. For the record, I love "The Walking Dead", "Ghost in the Shell", "Radiohead", and "Linkin Park", the Hunger Games trilogy, and these are just a few examples of what they've introduced me to. And they love "REM", the "Beatles", "Jimi Hendrix", "Monk", and they've each read "To Kill a Mockingbird", various books on History which they adore, and watched many a special on the History channel with me.
And while we listen to music, or discuss a movie, or watch an episode of tv, if the opportunity arises to discuss what behavior or morality issues I see, then I seize it - in a very non embarrassing format.
But let's be real here. Is there a creature that is more intelligent and all-knowing than a teenager? Aliens from another planet would flee from that condescending look and tone of voice teenagers can adopt. Quickly the aliens would be forced into  recognition that this planet HAS an intelligent life form, and we don't need another, thank you very much. 
Raising teenagers is hard work. It's completely different from raising toddlers and babies, and yet at times I feel like zombies have invaded just as I did after many a sleepless night with a colicky infant. I walk in a daze and look at these tall creatures. Where did my babies go to? And why will they eat everything in sight? Is it possible to wake a sleeping teenager?
It's the best of times and the worst of times - if you're a parent you will understand. I approach my teenagers as I would an alien or a zombie - very carefully lest one of us scare the wits out of the other. But no, I'm not gonna discuss menopause with them!

Camp Prayer

I wanted to write something funny and witty this morning. Actually I’d love to be able to do that any morning. But I’m in a very reflective mood this morning. And I know why. I sit here in a quiet house with little piles of stuff surrounding me. Both our teen sons leave tomorrow for a week long camp in the mountains. When I was 13, I went to a camp in the mountains. The camp was lovely. The experience was not. I became the target of the girls in my cabin. Most of the girls were lifelong friends. And here I was – odd girl out, and odd already. I was short and skinny with buck teeth and braces. I used an obnoxiously high-falutin’ vocabulary which only made me even more of a target. After all when you call someone obtuse and they think you just called them fat – well, they retaliate.

I’ve been the target of bullies most of my life. And it affected my life in many ways. But if you can find a positive in it, it would have to be that I am very conscious of how others are treated. And I’ve discussed bullying and its effects with our sons many, many times.

I changed the wallpaper on my iPhone this morning to a picture I took of the two of them headed into our school district’s Fine Arts Center before a band concert. The picture is evocative to me because you only see their backs. As I see it, my purpose in raising our children is so they can walk away from me into the world and make the world a better place. And that is my prayer as they go to camp. Please let them touch the world in a positive way and leave it better. Amen.

The Dating Game

I always knew the time would come when I would have to sit down with my daughter and have a one-to-one chat about the big wide world of dating, about the games that are played, the feelings involved, and the inevitable interactions of her friends. I did not expect it to come so quickly, I thought I had another couple of years at least, especially as we have only just conquered her school phobia and anxiety issues (admittedly with the help of her counselor, without whom we would still be battling it I am sure). So, you can imagine my schizophrenic attitude towards her when she came home proudly one day and announced she had been asked to be someone's sweetheart.

It sounded so innocent, the word sweetheart, but when I heard the whole story I knew my time was up. Our current mother-daughter relationship was going to have to change up a notch; she was going to need the big girl's mummy advice now. You see, one of her friends had carefully negotiated this invitiation of becoming a sweetheart on my daughter's behalf, but not on her instruction. It seemed the friend was quite happy to be the surrogate sweetheart and, as time went on, she proved it so. I sat back for a while offering gentle words of advice but unfortunately by the time my daughter had gained her confidence, she had also realized that the friend was the one wearing the boys jacket, sitting with her legs on his, and was involved in many a cozy tête-à-tête's with him.

She was lost, trying to make sense of the whole situation. On the one hand, she liked this boy and on the other, she was seeing her friend in a new light, the light of a young woman in the making. My first reaction was to wade in and protect, teach her how to play the games people play but that seemed unfair, she is a nice sweet girl, that is not in her character and, most importantly, she likes her friend a lot. I got my thinking cap on and made a decision, I would help her in another way.

A long time ago, in my professional capacity, I would train adults in the corporate world in the art of understanding human behavior and interactions to get the best result. I also had a vision of teaching teenagers these skills but, as life takes over, there never seemed the right time. I also realized that I had become rusty myself on these issues, after all, I was about to help her draw her weapons and shoot the girl (metaphorically of course). This seemed a perfect opportunity to resurrect the books and start equipping her with the right skills. I need my daughter to understand human behaviors and know how to deal with them and schools just do not do have that on their curriculum. I wanted to make sure that she came out feeling good about herself even if she didn't get the boy.

As it turned out, the boy solved the issue for me. He soon moved on to her friend's friend, and then repeated the pattern over again. The girls realized they were the ones to have been played, played against each other but I am not giving up on my idea. This taste of what is to come was a wakeup call for me. My books are out and I am going to go through them with my daughter one-step at a time. Who knows I may even devise a training plan for teenagers to help them cope and understand human interactions. I am no psychologist, just an individual who thinks that life skills are just as important as algebra and punctuation.

And That's the Way of Life

Some days you wake up and you just know what you want to write about. And some days you wake up with TOO many ideas swirling around your head almost like the leaves. Do I write about the obnoxious landscaper next door who has decided that the leaves in that yard are labeled as mine and as such deserve to come back home? Maybe I should write about the funny "American Idol" comment made by my younger teen while watching it. Or I can write about the incredible improvement at assignment completion we've seen from the older son since the famous 'no Xbox for you' incident of 2011. Then there is my trip last weekend to the parents and the bittersweetness of it all or watching our older son walk into his school wearing his junior ROTC uniform and the wonder of how he got that old. I know I could get empathy for the fact that hubby is taking a vacation day today, and bless his heart, he really believes that my days are so open ended that I can accompany him anywhere to do anything his heart desires with no impact on my schedule...


The idea of writing today is sorta the way life is...there's the good, the bad, and the ugly all mixed in with the huh, the why's, the why not's. So maybe I'll just expand on a couple of things:


American Idol - it's our one and only reality show. The teens are musically inclined (they've been in band since 5th grade and there's no end in sight). My home state of North Carolina continues to do me proud. There've been several contestants, and even winners (Scotty, Fantasia, Clay Aiken, Chris Daughtry are a few), and the other night three more moved through. Prompting the following comment from the 13 year old, "So are you the ONLY North Carolinian who can't sing?" For the record, my Momma can't sing either so I am in FINE company. So there. Oh, and I totally recognize that while he did NOT get his ability to sing on key and play an instrument from me, that snarky, sarcastic sense of humor...oh, I KNOW where THAT came from.


The Xbox incident, well, I wrote about that in "Possum Momma Lives". And it worked. The child brought home straight A's (which was NOT the point, but he won't understand that until probably his 40's), and he is doing a MUCH better job with keeping straight his requirements. All it takes is the ability to unplug and to tune out the whining...incredible parenting skills which are totally underrated.


I'll touch on my parents and the ROTC uniform when I feel ready for a cry. Because that's how life is - you touch on what you're ready for, and you work your way through the other...while accompanying hubby to Best Buy and sneaking glances at your own to-do list.

Teenage Son Takes Flight

One of the bedrooms in my house has become a dungeon. The door always closed and locked, the dirty washing only thrown out on occasions, and the moldy trash emptied only when there is no more room on the floor. Yes, this may be an exaggeration but, honestly, it is not far from the truth. My teenage son has turned into a hermit that growls in the morning and disappears as soon as he comes home from school. I wanted to say a gremlin but he is far too handsome for that.

I have questioned myself frequently how my bubbly, blond haired boy morphed into a deep voiced young man, sprouting a moustache. I remember the days when he used to run around the house wearing rubber gloves on his feet pretending he was a duck, or throwing a cape over his shoulder and becoming a super hero. Time goes so quickly when raising children that it literally comes up and bites you on the bottom, derrière, or whatever you personally call it!

He has ditched Thomas the Tank Engine and Power Rangers. His whole life now revolves around texting and that mechanical box on the floor called Xbox 360. Some would argue that I should never had let him have the game box in his bedroom but, to be honest, I couldn't stand listening to guns blazing and assassins screaming all the time. I think I would go insane.

The Xbox has also become his social circle. The boys do not get together in person, they arrange to meet at a certain time, online, in a certain game. I just don't get this concept of socializing, maybe he will grow out of it. I have given up telling him to go out and get fresh air. It seems fruitless. It appears times have moved on and this mum is out of date.

If this scenario sounds similar to you then do not despair, there is a positive aspect to this situation. Firstly, they have to come out to eat at some point so I am always ready with a cookie or two (bribery works wonders), and secondly your son may find that gaming has given him an extra skill. Mine has.

Two Christmas's ago he received a remote control plane. He has never taken any interest in it. He could not manage to fly it successfully and was afraid to break it. This year my biggest kid, aka my husband, got a small plane too. So together, they went flying in a local field. The first flight was disastrous, the second better, the third ended in a tree, and after much frustration, my son hit the home run on the fourth flight.

The plane glided in the air, landed smoothly, and took off again with as much precision as any pilot. My husband on the other hand was crashing almost every time. This scenario went on for days with my husband's frustration level rising a little more each time. My son had progressed onto loop-de-loops and night flying with the little lights on the plane. He is amazing, but daddy wanted to know his secret. The answer was quite surprising. Very sensibly, he told him it was due to the skill he had learned from the game controller. He just looks at flying the plane the same way he does maneuvering his characters on the screen. Quite literally, he had increased his hand-eye coordination tenfold.

My hermit now comes out of his dungeon almost every day in order to fly his plane. He laughs and giggles, runs with a spring in his step, and shows signs of his pre-teen self. I guess you could say he has taken off but this mom is not ready for him to fly the coop just yet!

Television is Harmful to Your Ummm.....

In the interest of full disclosure I have to admit I am in the throes of second hand television as I write this blog. So if my interest is umm, distracted then maybe it's because....oh, wait, the weather is on...be back...wait, need to write the blog, where was I?? 

There's an article out now that researchers have determined that secondhand television is harmful to a child's development. Secondhand Television - Aren't We Just Awful Parents? - my title, not the paper's, discusses how even the television on in the background is distracting and can harm a child's language development. Get a freakin' grip people. I readily admit that I nursed my infants to the lovely tunes of college football for the one, and college basketball for the other. Yet I don't feel like their exposure to our television interests, while being fed in a warm, clean (and I might add well decorated if I say so myself, and I'm the only one who has to like it) home hurt my little dickens. Certainly based on their vocabulary (one told me he had never felt hate for me as most teenagers do, he has felt "disdain") I don't feel like they've suffered.

We are one of those households that tends towards the television on rather than off, especially during sports seasons - which are all of 'em. We also read books (The Help - we discussed what it was like for me growing up and the bigotry that existed then and now) and share music (Red Hot Chili Peppers - love 'em). We talk about what we are watching and much to the dismay of my 13 year old, he doesn't get to watch "Breaking Bad". I watched it - not appropriate for him - don't really care what others are getting to do. The teen sons and I do watch the "Walking Dead" together - love us some zombies. 

What hurts kids is not being interested in them and their interests (good grief, I've heard enough about Master Chief - he's a Halo video game character - to write my own treatise on the guy). That's what hurts language development not to mention CHARACTER development.

What hurts kids is going hungry, being bullied, getting hit by the ones who "love" them (see Dawn's essay, The Painful Truth - it will break your heart). 

Can we please focus on more important issues with kids? Now, I've gotta run, the traffic is coming up next...

Random, Random, Random

So I got up at 5:00 this morning to write my blog. All excited, I already knew what I was gonna write about (which does not always happen). What is that saying about "best laid plans"? Yep, the one by Robert Burns about going astray. First, I couldn't remember the password to the blog. Not unusual, I mean there's only 50 million passwords anymore, but sadly apparently my cheat sheet was wrong, too. Then I couldn't get the email to show up allowing me back in (and yes, I kept checking my spam filter.) The day was going downhill fast and normally it's sorta nice if the sun rises first before that happens. To add insult to injury it's not like I could turn into the sound and fury when nobody else was awake yet except the cat. So finally I finesse my way in (oh, ok, I hit a back button and the sonofa...err, pc filled in a correct password which incidentally, I STILL don't know what it really is), and I start writing.


That's when I realize that I have an essay and not a blog on my hands. The good is that I needed something for November's issue of 4gaby.com. The bad is - now I need a topic for the freakin' blog.


So with that said - here's a blog on nothing but random observations that I hope will make you smile or laugh. Please feel free to add to the list!


Colin Firth - yummmm


Mocha coffees - almost as yummy as Colin, more necessary and available in the morning.


Sense of humor - completely necessary when dealing with technology, conference realignment or car pool.


Conference realignment - led by men, and they say women are indecisive???


Politicians - the ultimate comedians.


Teenagers - so much smarter than me, I'll never be able to catch up.


Fall - beautiful until you realize how many deciduous trees are in your yard.


Grounding a teenager - necessary when those trees start losing their leaves. Somebody's gotta clean 'em up, and you can always find something a teenager shouldn't have done.


Twitter - full of twits and some really funny people. But I don't follow you back if you tweet in a foreign language. I can barely translate my teens.


Pink Floyd - new only to my teens.


Reality TV - what?? Don't y'all have your own families to look at? If not, then just go to Wal Mart - multitasking, ya know.


Mother's Little Helper - now I understand.


Y'all got anymore??

Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to You…

Today is our oldest son’s FIFTEENTH birthday. How the devil did that happen? How can my darling baby boy possibly be old enough for a driver’s permit and all that entails? Now I’m not gonna sit here and blow some smoke at you and pretend it’s all been roses raising the child. He’s one hardheaded, determined, questioning personality who gets to hit up against his equally stubborn, determined, and demanding Momma (genetics, I hear you calling my name – or put another way, when my Momma said, “you’ll understand one day”, I think she was cursing, err blessing my future progeny). We’ve had a ride including getting correct diagnoses of a couple of conditions. And honestly I wouldn’t trade a single moment.

My older son and my goddaughter go for a "ride".

My children have taught me to love with a deepness and unselfishness that I never knew I was capable of. I have gotten up in the middle of the night and rushed to an ER. I have been insulted and questioned and blamed. I have also been cuddled and kissed and reached for, and there is nothing like parenthood to put all the crap of life totally in perspective. 

Jackie Kennedy once said, “If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do matters very much.” Well, at only 15, we still have miles to go. But my clarinet playing, tender-hearted, Xbox-adoring, stubborn son who is such an individual and already quite comfortable in his own skin makes me proud. Happy Birthday, my baby…and you can’t have my keys yet.

'Tis the Season of the Witch....

Well, summer break has officially started and I have decided that this summer deserves a nickname all its own. Therefore welcome to the Season of the Witch (with many apologies to Donovan for his cool song does deserve better). See I will be imposing rules and chores, explaining responsibility, and requiring duties at a rapid pace and I'm NOT talking about me here. I have two teenagers, one of whom will be deemed old enough to drive by the end of the summer. So somebody explain to me why he's not old enough to drive the weed eater?

Now please don't think that I haven't been doing this all along. They've always had "age appropriate" chores. But I do find myself pushing more and more their way and noticing that I seem to (according to them...but who really trusts what a teenager has to say about work or pleasure) make them do more than some of their peers. Well, too bad for my kids, I say. There simply is no reason that kids who are taller and stronger than me should sit inside in that glorious invention called air conditioning, while I tackle the horror that is our yard. Same thing for the household chores. I'm not raising royalty here.

I just finished reading a Sookie Stackhouse book, "Dead in the Family",  (the book series that True Blood was created from). In this particular one, Alexei, the Russian Tsarevich who was brutally murdered in 1918, had been turned into a vampire. He was a pretty bad vampire and part of the reasoning is that he had been so pampered in real life that he had a very hard time understanding an inability to do what he wants when he wants it. Which sounds chillingly like my teenagers. So in the interest of the future world order...or maybe just so any future in-laws won't constantly be blaming me...'tis the Season of the Witch. Now they better go pick up my broom and start using it...

Happy Birthday...

Today is my baby’s 13^th birthday. I now have two teenagers in the house and the countdown towards the empty nest is officially on.  Once upon a time, I had babies. They were cuddly, and smelled so sweet (at least they did right after their baths) and they never wanted to sit still. No longer do I have little boys cuddling up to me, or giggling as they chase the doggie or throwing something up so high in the house that my short self is forced to grab the stepladder and try to get it down, all the while preaching the mantra, “You know you are not supposed to throw in the house”. The fun trips to parks and playgrounds are long over and the thrill of watching the doughnuts being made at Krispy Kreme has been replaced by the request to hit the drive through and can they have some gulp, coffee?

Now I have sons who are tall enough that I ask them, “Can you reach that for me?” instead of getting the stepladder and there are these huge shoes thrown around. In fact the fairy tale I keep thinking of is “Jack and the Beanstalk”. They are the beanstalks and perhaps a little Jack might help me with all these transitions. I learned to drive at 14 and I look at my older son and think, “No way! You’re still my baby.” They are perfectly content to sit still, if an Xbox is involved. They grab pizza, laugh and share jokes with me, and want to discuss world events and tragedies with a seriousness that startles me at times. We share music and I catch them rolling their eyes at me, luckily not as often as I did at my own parents, and I remember so well the arrogance of youth. I want to caution them, hold them tight, and yet I want to let them go and watch them glory in their independence.

At various times of their lives, I’ve heard “oh, that’s my favorite age” from other moms. I can honestly say that every age has been my favorite. I find the changes, the thrills, the agonies constantly make me feel more alive, and the love for my children is this ever expanding entity I never completely comprehended. And one day, I hope to take their children to Krispy Kreme to watch the doughnuts being made, and I think I’ll let my grandchildren throw things in my house, just for the joy of it.

How do you handle your children growing up? Is it fun? Bittersweet? Exciting or exhausting? Maybe it's all of the above?