My life gets more like a cheesy soap opera with every passing day (which incidentally my daughter has asked if we could start following one -- as if there is not enough drama in her life already!). The only thing is, I am not wearing Versace, I don’t have the hunky husband who earns a million after tax, and brings me flowers home every night (yes, I know it is only because they are having an affair), and I am real, every bit of me. I have no extra silicone padding on my chest or extra filler in my lips, I'm just plain old me.
So what happened – crap, lol (just proving I have a modern sense of humor).
Upon my enthusiastic return from the West Coast, (Santa Barbara, I love you! Can I marry you? Is that legal?), I get mail from an old friend, which sent me into a tizzy. Reminding me of why I am where I am today. Cold sweats ran through my body but I suppose it could have been worse, they could have been hot flushes. My brain started to race, and I was hooked. Like a fish, being reeled in, I needed to fill in the blanks of the missing soap opera. The only thing is now I, sort of, wish I hadn’t. The past is written and it cannot be changed so why stay locked in it? I think it’s called morbid curiosity. Morbid – ha – oh yes, definitely the right description.
My happy list is even harder to write after this encounter. The past has gotten in the way once again. I realized I still have a lot of unfinished business to deal with, but what comes first, the chicken or the egg? Do I go through a type of painful re-birth of myself, hacking away at the old demons in order to be a stronger me or do I plop an existing egg on the floor and crack it open? What a mess and the blooming happy book doesn’t give me the answer or I haven’t got to that chapter yet!
But wait, that is it. My light bulb just went on. Life is not a book to follow. It can be re-written but the originals are still out there in indelible ink and no amount of erasing can get rid of it. My guru book is right after all (phew), your happy list evolves with you, it changes as your life changes, as you meet your goals, or not as the case may be. I suddenly feel a bit better with my dilemma, but that happy list is still unwritten.
So here is how my list is going to start:
What makes me happy?
1. To not be afraid of the past.
2 To like who I am.
3.TBA
4.TBA …………………………and so on!
Now I just have to figure out how to achieve this – life is an ever-decreasing circle I think!
I think as I get older I start to get more and more happiness from simple satisfaction and from the happiness of others. 1) Seeing my child laugh 2) Seeing my parents one more time 3) Music, 4) Quiet 5)Someone wanting to spend time with me. Though I'm not sure how to achieve the happiness from liking myself. That's a hard one, and one we should all be able to achieve.
ReplyDelete